Joe Biden’s Autopen Has Written A Memoir
The article humorously criticizes Joe Biden’s recent memoir, titled “Promise Me, america,” suggesting that the president’s storytelling is filled with lies and questionable memory. It highlights Biden’s promotional video for the book, which claims the memoir covers his challenges as a nation and his decision-making. The piece satirizes the book’s title and content, questioning Biden’s authenticity and framing the memoir as a self-serving effort to restore his legacy amid accusations of corruption and mismanagement. It also mockingly lists alternative, provocative titles for Biden’s memoir and implies that Biden’s political career was a calculated pursuit of power rather than genuine leadership. The article concludes with a critique of Biden’s policies and leadership, insinuating that his efforts are driven by self-interest and that his book is a cash grab, available for pre-order at $37.
Son-of-a-gun. Turns out Joe Biden’s autopen can do more than pardon Covid villains and free Yemeni terrorists from Guantanamo Bay.
The former president has written a book. A memoir. Yes, that requires a memory, so very likely the octogenarian with the mental acuity of a Hungry Man Salisbury steak dinner had a lot of help.
It’s available now for pre-order ahead of a scheduled November release. I know that because Joe himself told me in a glossy promotional video, apparently filmed in his Pledge-shined study.
“It’s about the challenges we face as a nation, about the decisions I made, and why I made them,” Biden says in his berzia-berzia, mush mouth language we’ve all grown to love. It’s available for prorder now, the ex-president mumbles.
Whoa! Now, we’ll get the whole truth and nothing but the truth from a man whose political love language is lying.
In the video, Sleepy Joe is seen pretending to write something on the blank page of a binder and sorting through documents that he probably kept next to his Corvette in his Delaware beachfront garage. Confidential? Top Secret? It doesn’t matter. Who could convict an “elderly man with a poor memory?”
The title of Biden’s memoir is Promise Me, America. Prosaic for sure. I think we can workshop this thing and come up with much better — and apropos — titles.
1. Joe Biden: You Know, The Thing
2. Come Here, Kid. I Wanna Sniff You
3. What I Really Told Corn Pop
4. To Ukraine With Love
5. Which Way Do I Go?
6. Let’s Go Lick The World
7. Let’s Do Pushups Together Here, Man!
8. Black Like Me
9. Come On, Man! Who Took My Damn Pants?!
10. James Buchanan, You’re Off The Hook
Alas, we’re stuck with Promise Me America.
A Restoration Project
Somebody told Biden to say that his memoir is all about “leading the country through Covid (quick image of Joe getting the shot, then in a mask), rebuilding our economy, and restoring our democracy after Jan. 6 (cut to footage of rioters at the Capitol).” So, I guess it’s a work of fiction.
It’s a restoration project for a dilapidated shack of a man that once proudly stood as a kitschy house of ill repute.
Joe promises to take you inside his mind. You do like cobwebs and cymbal-banging monkey toys, don’t you?
“It’s about why I chose to run for re-election, and why I chose to step aside,” the tossed-out former president says. Then he gets wistful, solemn-sounding — as if he didn’t defecate all over the country he claims to love.
“Most of all, it’s about my faith in the promise of America. The promise we made to those who have gone before us, to honor their sacrifice. The promises we made to each other, and to treat everyone with dignity and respect,” Biden says self-righteously, as if he, his administration and their Marxist circle didn’t harass, hector, intimidate, and imprison their political enemies.
“Promise Me, America is about my faith in America, and the American people,” he claims.
Biden winks at the end, as if he’s still in on the joke.
To paraphrase Bob Dylan’s “Positively 4th Street,” Joe Biden has no faith to lose, and we know it. He was always and remains — at least what’s left of him — a political animal. A calculating beast who traded his independence for a four-year conservatorship at the White House, managed by some of the most evil people to have ever walked God’s green Earth.
So what does Joe Biden want America to promise him? That his pal Anthony Fauci will never go to prison for the crimes Biden preemptively pardoned? That the federal government will bring back the divisive and racist Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion policies he championed with the same love and affection he held for his mentor, the “Exalted Cyclops of the Klan” himself, dead Sen. Robert Byrd, D-W.V.? That Americans will build back better a presidential legacy of corruption and failure, the real story of Biden’s term in office?
That they will buy his book?
Biden may be a fuse short of a circuit but he still knows what money is — and what it can buy.
At just $37 for the hardcover, you can preorder your copy today. Who knows, Biden’s autopen might just sign if for you.
Matt Kittle is a senior elections correspondent for The Federalist. An award-winning investigative reporter and 30-year veteran of print, broadcast, and online journalism, Kittle previously served as the executive director of Empower Wisconsin.
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