Hunter Biden’s attempt to evade child support for his illegitimate child.

The Andrew Klavan Show: Hunter Biden’s Child Support Case

They say no one is all bad, but presidential son Hunter Biden seems to be pushing the limits. Amidst his busy schedule of corruptly peddling his father’s political influence to Chinese Communist enemies, he’s also trying to get out of paying child support to his daughter, whom he can’t even remember fathering. So, what the hell are they talking about when they say no one is all bad?

The History of the Case

Hunter initially denied that the little girl was his, claiming he had no memory of his sexual encounter with the child’s mother. Instead, he could only recall a cocaine-fueled dream of a naked wrestling match with an inflatable sex doll that had magically come to life. They ended up as animated characters in an episode of the Ren and Stimpy Adult Party cartoon. However, a DNA test proved that the little girl was, in fact, Hunter’s child. It also confirmed that Hunter was an animated character in Ren and Stimpy.

Hunter agreed to pay $20 thousand a month in child support, which he planned to take out of the $50 thousand a month he was getting from Ukrainian oligarchs. In return, his father sent $75 billion in military aid to Ukraine to start World War III. With those hopes temporarily on hold, Hunter’s income has been reduced to selling his worthless paintings for inflated prices to shadowy anonymous buyers in return for an “I’m With Hunter” T-shirt and unspecified political favors from the president of the United States.

The little girl’s mother is asking that her daughter be allowed to change her last name to Biden because “the Biden name is now synonymous with being well-educated, successful, financially acute, and politically powerful.” Hunter’s lawyers countered that the request was ridiculous when clearly the Biden name is synonymous with corruption, dementia, and political malfeasance.

The President’s Response

President Biden has consistently refused to acknowledge his seventh grandchild. He recently claimed he only had six grandchildren and could not wait to get his trembling, liver-spotted fingers on their soft white flesh while he drew in deep breaths of their silky hair perfumed with the sensual aroma of youth. The children themselves were not available for comment because they were huddled together under the dining room table, trembling in terror and praying God would let them win this game of Funny Grandpa Hide and Seek.

White House Spokesperson Karine Jean Identity Hire was recently asked why the president refused to recognize the illegitimate daughter of his corrupt son’s cocaine-riddled affair with a former stripper. Miss Identity Hire responded, “Speaking as a black female lesbian who was totally given this job for my talent and intelligence, I believe this president doesn’t want to be exposed as the head of a sleazy criminal enterprise that is too busy squeezing Somalians out of every corrupt gangsterocracy on earth to give a rat’s buttock what happens to the American people. Luckily I’m only thinking that to myself and didn’t say it out loud. Or did I?”

The Democrats’ Concerns

Democrats worry that the Hunter court case will expose other areas of corruption in the administration and thereby hobble Democrats in their important work of slaughtering infants 10 minutes before they’re born, cutting the sexual organs off healthy young people, peddling gay pornography in elementary schools, and trying to delegitimize the Supreme Court because it keeps foiling their plans by upholding the Constitution. In the words of Democrat Senator Dick Durbin, “It would be a tragedy for this country if outrage over our petty corruption prevented us from doing real evil.”

Hunter Biden, however, swears he will press on with the case against his daughter, saying, “I will not stop trying to deprive this 4-year-old of financial support because I want to see justice done or possibly because I’m a corrupt dirtbag. I’m so stoned, I can’t remember which.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.