To The Leftist Vultures At Media Matters: Kiss My Ass

Well, now it’s my turn. I expected something like this might happen. It had to. I have been successful in fighting against the left’s agenda, especially the trans agenda. Those who support the sexual mutilation of children know full well that I am a threat to them. We’re winning and they’re losing. And they know it. They cannot engage with our arguments, they cannot oppose us on the battlefield of ideas, so instead they look for another way. Now they’re convinced they’ve found their kill shot against me by using the same method they always use: digging up ancient history — doing the internet equivalent of rummaging through garbage cans — to find things done and said years ago which can be used to defame and, they hope, silence me today.

Yes, my PR team over at Media Matters apparently wasn’t satisfied to promote just my current show, so they decided to go back 15 years to my time as a rock radio host on an obscure station in Delaware. They spent, it would seem, many tedious hours listening to segments and bits from my time as a shock jock in my early 20s. It could not have been easy to sit through. I commend their persistence. Now they’ve compiled their findings into an “expose” that promises to reveal my “sordid past.” Honestly, I never thought of myself as having a sordid past. I figured my life was far too boring for that. But it turns out that I am a more interesting person than I had previously thought.

As for the vultures at Media Matters, and the Leftists who’ve picked up this hit piece and run with it, they are not very interesting. They are as pathetic and desperate as I’ve always known them to be. The Left isn’t interested in investigating children’s hospitals that literally castrate and butcher children. In fact, such investigations are an act of terrorism, they insist. But they will take the time to scour the internet for evidence that I made offensive remarks when I was 23 years-old. That, in their minds, is far more relevant to the public. A matter of much greater national urgency.

With that in mind, let’s talk now, for a few moments, about the deep dark secrets of my past. The skeletons that have been hiding in my closet, waiting to be discovered by an intrepid reporter at Media Matters. I will tell you the whole ghastly story, even the parts that Media Matters didn’t include.

When I was 20 years old, I moved into a one bedroom apartment in a small town in Delaware and started working at a rock station with a staggering audience that easily reached into the hundreds. Those are my humble beginnings — or the dark and sinister origins of the world’s most notorious terrorist, depending on who you listen to. I worked at the station until I was 25. For a couple of years during that period, I hosted a morning show where we often flouted the rules of political correctness (as was the custom on morning radio at the time).

In their hit piece, Media Matters presents evidence that I used racially insensitive humor, that I told inappropriate jokes, that I engaged in other offensive activities. All of that is, of course, true. They also accuse me of physically abusing our radio interns by tasing one of them as a joke. This is also true, and I submit, still funny. In fairness, I got tased too. In fact, I invented a game called taser trivia where, as the name suggests, you are asked trivia questions and if you get it wrong, you get tased. Media Matters didn’t post that video but they should. It’s quite shocking.

That’s the sort of content you missed out on if you didn’t live in southern Delaware in the early 2000s. But there’s more. Media Matters reveals that I once challenged the intern to lick the inside of a dumpster. Which again is true, but the part they leave out is that afterwards we called a doctor on the air to find out what sort of diseases he might have picked up from the stunt. From what I recall, the answer was “many.”

Also, again as Media Matters exposes, like any other hacky morning show at the time, we did prank calls. Some of the prank calls were offensive by current standards. Sometimes on a call I would imitate a black man. On one occasion I attempted to portray a man with split personalities, one of whom was black and the other white. It worked better on paper than it did in execution. But not all of our prank calls were racially charged. Only most of them were. We did one where I called a hotel pretending to be a wizard who had left