Merrick Garland assigns David Weiss as overseer of David Weiss in federal prosecution.
The Department of Justice Appoints Special Counsel to Oversee Hunter Biden Investigation
The Department of Justice has appointed Federal Prosecutor David Weiss as Special Counsel to oversee the botched Hunter Biden investigation. David Weiss’s meandering years-long investigation allowed the statute of limitations to run out on major charges against Hunter before resulting in a failed plea deal. Now, David Weiss has been assigned to oversee himself to ensure there is no funny business. However, due to DOJ regulations, the special counsel overseeing David Weiss should be someone outside the federal government.
Attorney General Merrick “Joey Bananas” Garland’s Cynical Cover-Up
Attorney General Merrick Garland claims that appointing David Weiss to oversee himself will restore the public’s trust in the integrity of the DOJ. However, this move is seen as a blatantly cynical cover-up that aims to blind the public to the corruption and abuse of power that has diminished their trust in the DOJ.
Special Counsel David Weiss has already begun his oversight by questioning himself in a mysterious old house behind the DOJ building. Witnesses claim to have heard two distinct voices engaging in the interrogation.
Speaking in a high-pitched voice, Special Counsel David Weiss said, “Listen to me, boy, I won’t tolerate corruption in my Justice Department.”
To which Federal Prosecutor David Weiss replied, “Oh my God, Mother. Blood! Blood!”
Congressional investigators later determined this to be an obscure and overly elaborate ”Psycho” joke that most of the audience won’t get but is still too funny to cut out. They then discovered a preserved corpse in the root cellar and returned it to the White House.
President Biden Denies Involvement in Hunter Biden Investigation
Addressing the Hunter Biden investigation, President Joe Biden denies any involvement in his son’s influence peddling schemes. Despite evidence such as repeated calls during Hunter’s meetings with shady foreign nationals and receiving a percentage of the ill-gotten gains, President Biden claims there is not a single shred of evidence against him.
The President made these remarks on the island of Maui, where he woke up to find himself speaking to a group of sad-looking people. In an attempt to comfort them, he said, “What’s everyone so down about? Put on a happy face, Bidenomics is working. And hey, what’s with all this mess? I thought Hawaii was supposed to be nice.” When informed about a devastating fire, he compared it to a kitchen fire that could have damaged his beloved Corvette.
The President then dozed off again, finding sad people boring.
The Media’s Reaction to Special Counsel David Weiss
The news media, known for its fairness, welcomed the appointment of Special Counsel David Weiss. Eugene Robinson of the Washington Post, famous for his ideological corruption, expressed his support for Joe Biden and his trust in the investigation.
Robinson was immediately appointed Special Counsel to oversee Special Counsel David Weiss.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for pre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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