Merrick Garland prosecutes Hunter Biden.

Department of Justice Forces Hunter Biden to Plead Guilty in Corruption Case

After an extensive five-year investigation, the Department of Justice has finally achieved a breakthrough in the Biden family corruption scandal. Hunter Biden, the president’s son and bag man, has pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge. In exchange for no jail time, he will serve a period of community service in the influence peddling industry.

Equal Justice for All?

Attorney General Merrick “Scarface” Garland assures the public that this deal proves the DOJ’s commitment to fair treatment. This comes after the controversial espionage charges against Donald Trump, which could result in execution by firing squad. Garland defends these charges, citing suspicious behavior caught on video and damning testimony from a witness.

In a statement, Garland emphasizes that the DOJ is dedicated to bringing the full force of the law against all Republicans. He adds a touch of dark humor, mentioning the stacks of quarters acquired by emptying parking meters.

Hunter Biden’s Guilty Plea

Hunter Biden’s guilty plea revolves around misdemeanor tax evasion. The investigation revealed that he under-reported his 2017 income, failing to include the five million dollars he received in bribes from Ukraine. Initially, Biden argued that the bribe money shouldn’t count as income because he passed it on to the “Big Guy.” However, after intense questioning, he agreed to plead guilty to the tax evasion charge.

Some critics argue that other tax offenders, like Wesley Snipes, received jail time for similar crimes. Attorney General Garland dismisses these comparisons, stating that the cases are different because Hunter Biden is a white man.

Future Investigations

While this plea deal concludes the five-year investigation into Hunter Biden, Attorney General Garland reveals that the DOJ is still exploring other potential charges. These include littering after leaving a dead hooker in a Bangkok gutter, jaywalking for delivering a duffel bag of Ukrainian greenbacks to his father, and overdue fines for being too stoned on crack cocaine to find the library.

Interestingly, critics point out that Joe Biden himself drafted the crime bill in 1986, which led to harsh sentences for crack cocaine use. However, Attorney General Garland argues that Hunter’s case is different because he is a white man.

Continued Investigation into Donald Trump

Attorney General Garland announces that the DOJ will now focus on investigating Donald Trump. Charges include high treason for allegedly causing Democrats to hate him, resulting in his impeachment. If convicted, Trump could face life in prison based on a show of hands or the general sentiment among the right people.

President Biden’s Response

With the Hunter Biden plea deal resolved, President Joe Biden and First Lady Jill Biden release a statement expressing their satisfaction with Hunter taking responsibility for his actions. However, they jokingly inquire about their share of the money.

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is a popular political satirist, Hollywood screenwriter, and award-winning novelist.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.