Hollywood writers’ strike delays new woke content.

The Andrew Klavan Show: Hollywood Writers on Strike

As you may have heard, we Hollywood writers are on strike right now. But don’t worry, we’ll be back soon to transform your favorite childhood cartoon characters into sexually deviant groomers so that the minds and lives of your own children can be destroyed by the very franchises you had come to love and trust. Just kidding, we’re actually striking because the corrupt, greedy industry moguls who have been pumping toxic and immoral sludge into our culture for the last sixty years aren’t paying us enough to write the scripts.

If the strike continues too long, you may be forced to seek your entertainment elsewhere, like in great novels or conversation with your friends or classic old films on TCM. Or you could just quietly read the Bible to yourself until you never want to watch another morally repugnant modern movie ever again and may even be inspired to hunt down every Hollywood content creator of any kind whatsoever and tie his shoelaces together while he’s napping so that when he wakes up and gets to his feet, he falls over and cracks his head open and gets to feel what it’s like for the rest of us to watch a modern American movie.

Upcoming Movies

But fear not, we have some great content in the pipeline for you as soon as we can get the miserable capitalist pigs who are destroying our culture to pay us fairly for helping them.

• Superman: In this sequel, the man of steel rushes to Metropolis to destroy a swarm of murderous invaders and is then charged with first degree manslaughter by Metropolis District Attorney Alvin Bragg.
• All the President’s Men: We’re planning a modern take on the 1970’s Watergate blockbuster in which once again, a sleazy and untrustworthy presidential candidate is exposed dragging our government agencies into a series of despicable dirty campaign tricks, until the intrepid reporters of the Washington Post cover the story up.
• Lord of the Rings: We’re rebooting the great trilogy. In film one, Frodo fights through Orcs to reach Mount Doom until he’s charged with first degree manslaughter by Mordor District Attorney Alvin Bragg. In the sequel, George Soros mysteriously becomes invisible, then later turns up as a corrupt, twisted, deformed blue creature of darkness who contributes to Bragg’s reelection campaign. The final film details the war between Soros and an army of conservatives, who want to destroy the corrupt, twisted, deformed creature of darkness because they just don’t like Bluish people.
• Moonlight Two: In the whodunit genre, we’ll be rolling out “Moonlight Two” in which a homosexual black detective tries to solve the mystery of how a film can win an Oscar when literally no one has ever seen it.
• Hannibal Lecter: Unfortunately, Anthony Hopkins has grown too old to play Hannibal Lecter, but we have attached Denzel Washington to star as the cannibal serial killer who cooks and eats a census taker’s liver with fava beans and a fine chianti and is then charged by Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg with cooking over an open flame without a permit.
• Native American Panther: The Marvel Universe will continue to expand with “Native American Panther.” In this brilliant epic of virtue signaling and racial pandering, history is rewritten when Native Americans develop the world’s greatest culture after a space rock falls on them and magically turns them into Europeans. Superhero Native American Panther then sets out to spread the gift to the world until he realizes that Native Americans never invented the wheel so he can’t go anywhere.
• Contagion Sequel: And finally, in a real life sequel to 2011’s pandemic thriller “Contagion,” a fast spreading flu virus threatens to kill 80-year-olds until heroic government doctor Anthony Fauci destroys the economy, strips Americans of their civil rights, ruins the lives of children and then sets out to try to solve the mystery of why the disease caused so much damage to society.

So there you have it, great films coming your way as soon as we can get back to work in the movie industry. Meanwhile, stop reading the Bible or there won’t be a movie industry.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.