Bad news for Biden: Washington Post poll shows bleak outlook.

The Andrew Klavan Show: Satirical Monologue

The Washington Post’s Devastating Poll Results

The Washington Post, where Democracy dies in darkness after they drive an ice pick into the back of its neck and toss it into the darkness and leave it there to die, has issued a devastating new poll showing President Biden’s approval ratings have fallen to a level that would truly upset him if he were still capable of understanding what a poll is and what numbers are.

The poll shows Biden’s approval ratings are now at a mere 36 percent. What’s more, twelve percent of those who approve of Biden are low information voters like journalists and college professors, while 8 percent of them are homeless people who receive their opinions from the demon Azuzu speaking through the fillings in their teeth. Five percent of the Biden supporters were just pranking the pollsters by pretending they knew who Joe Biden is, and the remaining four percent were former Whitney Houston backup singers who now hang out all day on Main and Third in Cincinnati chanting “somebody, somebody, somebody who loves me,” over and over again, hoping a passerby will put money in their hat so they can afford to get back to New Jersey and vote for Joe Biden.

The People’s Opinion on Biden and Trump

• Seventy-two percent of the people polled thought Biden was too old to be president.
• Sixty-three percent of those polled said they would prefer to vote for Donald Trump over Biden.
• Twenty-nine percent of those polled who wanted neither Biden nor Trump said they would vote for Nikki Haley because at least she didn’t believe in anything.

Breaking that result into various groups, fourteen percent of black people said they thought the country was headed in the right direction, but they couldn’t be sure because they were pinned down in a crossfire behind a 1978 Dodge Dart. Eighty-two percent of Hispanics said the country was headed in the right direction compared to the country they had just come from. And 52 percent of white people said they were heading in the right direction, namely the direction of Switzerland.

The Worst Problems Facing the Country

• Twenty-seven percent of those polled said the worst problem the country faced was runaway inflation because it meant they couldn’t buy as many lottery tickets with their food stamps which gave them a lower chance of winning a loaf of bread.
• Eighteen percent said the worst problem facing the country was that Don Lemon had been fired and now there was no one left to scream at but their children.
• And three percent said the worst problem facing the country was that when their phone rang they thought it was their ex saying she wanted to have breakup sex again but instead it turned out to be some jerkwad asking stupid questions about Joe Biden.

Methodology of the Poll

In terms of methodology, the Washington Post said pollsters had developed a system of weighted averages to establish the proper number of Democrats, Republicans and Independents, and then told their boss they had called those people when really they were just making stuff up because they worked for the Washington Post.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.