Abortion Harms Fathers Too

Thirty-four years ago, President Ronald Reagan and Congress named October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Their goal was “to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies” and to raise awareness of how to “meet the needs of bereaved parents.”

But I didn’t need the president of the United States to tell me about the grief of losing a child. Six months before the declaration, I lost my first of three children. Like many parents who lose a child, I felt confusion, grief, and sorrow. But unlike those who lose a child through stillbirth or miscarriage, I had no one to help me come to terms with my pain, because my child was aborted.  

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month has done a great deal to open people’s minds and hearts about miscarriage and stillbirth, but there is still widespread misunderstanding about how abortion harms both women and men. My story of lost fatherhood is common, but it is also commonly misunderstood.

My Experience

I was just 18 when my child died. I opposed the abortion but tried to “support” my then-girlfriend by accompanying her and her mother to the abortion center. I had spent years overcoming a difficult childhood, getting my life on track for success — but the abortion changed that. Confused, hurt, and ashamed for reasons I didn’t yet realize, I tried to hide it all by staying busy — drifting around the country, changing jobs, and avoiding getting close to anyone. 

But this unhealthy lifestyle came back to bite me just a few years later when a different ex-girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We’d only had a brief relationship, so this was the definition of an unexpected pregnancy, one she wanted to end with an abortion. I begged her to keep the child, offering to marry, raise the baby without her, or even place the child up for adoption. But she turned me down, saying our child wasn’t a baby and that it wasn’t my choice.

Like many men, I believed she was right. My opinion didn’t matter; my pain and regret were inappropriate. It took 17 years for me to begin to find healing, to begin to understand so much of my pain and shame came from feeling helpless to protect my unborn children. And it was years later that I began to truly understand that I wasn’t alone, that “pregnancy loss” often profoundly affects men.

A Place to Heal

There’s very little data about how abortion harms men and women, but what we do know is that it hurts a great deal. Data on how abortion hurts men and women are not well publicized. Research in Support After Abortion’s 2021 Annual Report showed that while 44 percent of men said that they did not have a say in the abortion decision, 71 percent of men said they had experienced adverse effects. 

Women face the brunt of social pressure related to abortion — whether it’s being