{"id":2019860,"date":"2023-09-01T20:18:01","date_gmt":"2023-09-02T00:18:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/the-battle-between-the-dead-guy-and-the-felon-is-heating-up\/"},"modified":"2023-09-01T20:20:40","modified_gmt":"2023-09-02T00:20:40","slug":"the-battle-between-the-dead-guy-and-the-felon-is-heating-up","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/the-battle-between-the-dead-guy-and-the-felon-is-heating-up\/","title":{"rendered":"Dead guy and felon battle intensifies!"},"content":{"rendered":"<aside class=\"mashsb-container mashsb-main mashsb-stretched\"><div class=\"mashsb-box\"><div class=\"mashsb-count mash-medium\" style=\"&quot;\"><div class=\"counts mashsbcount\">12<\/div><span class=\"mashsb-sharetext\">SHARES<\/span><\/div><div class=\"mashsb-buttons\"><a class=\"mashicon-facebook mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.conservativenewsdaily.net%2Fbreaking-news%2Fthe-battle-between-the-dead-guy-and-the-felon-is-heating-up%2F\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Facebook<\/span><\/a><a class=\"mashicon-twitter mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?text=&amp;url=https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/?p=2019860&amp;via=ConservNewsDly\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Twitter<\/span><\/a><a class=\"mashicon-subscribe mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"#\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Subscribe<\/span><\/a><div class=\"onoffswitch2 mash-medium mashsb-noshadow\" style=\"display:none\"><\/div><\/div>\n            <\/div>\n                <div style=\"clear:both\"><\/div><\/aside>\n            <!-- Share buttons by mashshare.net - Version: 4.0.47--><h2>The State of the Upcoming Election: A Satirical \u200bTake<\/h2>\n<p>Now that the first Republican debate is over, it\u2019s time to take a look at the overall state of the upcoming\u200d election while weeping \u2063quietly into soggy\u2063 pages\u200d torn in a \u200dfit of anguish from the Book of Revelation.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<h3>The Republican Side: A Cast \u2063of Characters<\/h3>\n<ul>\n<li>The Dull Guy<\/li>\n<li>The other\u2063 Dull Guy<\/li>\n<li>The Fat Guy<\/li>\n<li>The Girl<\/li>\n<li>The Black Guy (but \u2063he seems\u200c nice enough)<\/li>\n<li>The \u2064Irritating Skinny Guy<\/li>\n<li>The What\u2019s-His-Name Guy<\/li>\n<li>The Who\u2063 The Hell Even is That Guy<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>One \u200bor \u200btwo\u2064 of the candidates got a bump in the polls after the debate when they \u2063distinguished themselves by\u200d having certain opinions,\u2064 but no one \u200ccan\u2063 remember which\u200c candidates or what opinions \u200band by now the \u2062bump is gone so, really, who cares?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>Miami Mayor Francis Suarez has dropped out of the race, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/amid-crime-spike-detroit-residents-reject-radical-police-reform-and-want-more-cops-on-the-street-poll\/\" title=\"Amid Crime Spike, Detroit Residents Reject Radical Police Reform And Want More Cops On The Street: Poll\">sending shock waves<\/a> through Miami\u200c when people there learned that\u2063 the city had a mayor, \u2062and \u2063his name was Francis\u2063 Suarez and he\u200c had been \u2063off somewhere running for\u200d president instead \u200bof \u200cgetting the locals\u2062 to \u2064speak English and stop killing each other.<\/p>\n<p>This \u200dmeans that, as of today, \u2064the \u200b2024 presidential race seems likely to come down to \u200bthe Democrat, \u2063who\u2019s\u2064 a Dead Guy,\u2064 and the Republican front-runner, \u200ca soon-to-be-convicted\u2064 Felon.\u200b The Felon is\u200c slightly ahead \u2062in the polls except on \u2064those days\u200b when the Dead Guy is ahead \u2063but many people are convinced that the Felon is \u200bthe \u2064country\u2019s only hope, unless it\u2019s the \u200dDead Guy.<\/p>\n<p>The News Media, of course, heavily favors the Dead Guy and \u200dhas gone \u200dto great\u200b lengths to prove to the public that he\u2019s not really\u200d dead but only looks dead because he\u2019s so corrupt his soul is full of \u200ba moral emptiness that resembles death, sort of like\u200b Macbeth when he makes that Tomorrow and Tomorrow speech\u200b at \u2063the\u200d end of \u200bthe play,\u200b except silently because obviously \u2063this guy is \u2064dead.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<h3>Proving the \u200dDead Guy is \u200bNot Really Dead<\/h3>\n<p>In order to prove that the Dead Guy\u200b is not really a dead guy,\u2063 reporters at USA Today were pulled off their usual beat of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/the-battle-between-the-dead-guy-and-the-felon-is-heating-up\/\" title=\"Dead guy and felon battle intensifies!\">drawing colorful pie charts<\/a> for blithering\u200d idiots and were assigned instead to \u2063study pictures\u2062 of the \u2064Dead Guy for signs of life. To do this, they enlarged the pictures of the Dead\u2063 Guy until it finally\u200c became clear that he\u200d was\u2062 not in\u200d fact a corpse but merely a vague haze\u2063 of pixels designed \u2064to \u200dobscure\u200d the conspiring cabal\u200c of leftist authoritarians standing behind him \u2062and working day and night to destroy \u200devery last\u2062 American freedom in order to change the climate to\u2063 one\u200b of Depression-era levels of total \u2062misery. However, in \u200bthe event the Dead \u200cGuy turns out to actually be \u200ddead,\u200b his\u200b party will need someone else to \u2062beat \u2064the Felon and will\u2063 have to choose between the Vice President, who spends most of her time reading colorful USA Today pie charts, and\u2062 the Obviously Sinister Guy, \u2063who would have to run on his record of \u200cturning California\u200c from a Paradise into something\u200d like a Port-o-san only without the amenities.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p>As for\u200b the \u2064Felon, he continues to travel the country baiting and insulting federal prosecutors and judges, because he feels\u2063 that\u2019s\u200d the\u200b legal strategy that worked so \u200cwell for John Dillinger. Other than that, the \u200bFelon continues to run on his record, though not on his criminal\u200c record, but \u2063on \u200cthe\u2062 record where he kept employment high, prices \u2064low, cut regulations\u200c and taxes, wiped out\u2063 Isis, brought \u2063peace to the Middle East and\u2063 didn\u2019t start any new \u2062wars\u200b \u2014 although apparently \u200bsome people think that\u2063 IS his criminal record, but they\u2019re already voting for the Dead Guy.<\/p>\n<p>So it seems the American \u2062people have a tough decision before them: whether \u200dto \u2063repeatedly hit themselves\u200c in\u200c the face \u2062with \u2064a brick until everything \u2062seems fine, \u2063or to dress up as\u200c a woman and catch a plane\u200d to Amsterdam in time to become only\u200b the \u2064second Miss Netherlands to have a penis, unless you hang\u2064 out in the Red Light district where that\u2019s actually pretty common. You might also\u2064 try escaping to Hungary where low immigration and \u200dChristianity-based governance has turned the place into a crime-free wonderland, or \u2062to\u200c Uganda, where they put homosexual pedophiles to death, making it virtually impossible to form a teachers union.<\/p>\n<p>* * *<\/p>\n<p><em>Andrew Klavan is the host of \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.dailywire.com\/show\/the-andrew-klavan-show\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Andrew Klavan \u200cShow<\/a>\u201d at \u200bThe Daily Wire. He is\u200d an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/jack-smith-swears-donald-trump-will-pay-for-joe-bidens-crimes\/\" title=\"Jack Smith insists that Joe Biden's wrongdoings will not go unpunished, as Donald Trump will hold him accountable.\">award-winning \u200cnovelist<\/a>, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is\u00a0the author of \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/When-Christmas-Comes-Andrew-Klavan\/dp\/1613162405\/ref=pd_bxgy_sccl_2\/132-9473875-2662038?pd_rd_w=x29DZ&#038;content-id=amzn1.sym.26a5c67f-1a30-486b-bb90-b523ad38d5a0&#038;pf_rd_p=26a5c67f-1a30-486b-bb90-b523ad38d5a0&#038;pf_rd_r=X7J7YCZYPAH29407AXTY&#038;pd_rd_wg=M65Ef&#038;pd_rd_r=c2bb5bb5-dd27-434d-9ca1-f2098f486a81&#038;pd_rd_i=1613162405&#038;psc=1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">When Christmas Comes<\/a>\u201d and \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries\/dp\/1613163517\/ref=pd_bxgy_sccl_1\/132-9473875-2662038?pd_rd_w=lnVGk&#038;content-id=amzn1.sym.26a5c67f-1a30-486b-bb90-b523ad38d5a0&#038;pf_rd_p=26a5c67f-1a30-486b-bb90-b523ad38d5a0&#038;pf_rd_r=13RV0285EXYKN2D57RST&#038;pd_rd_wg=jW34u&#038;pd_rd_r=e0bb3c70-62ea-4448-8be5-a7cf1bba3f5e&#038;pd_rd_i=1613163517&#038;psc=1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Strange Habit of Mind,<\/a>\u201d the first two novels\u200c in the USA Today \u200cbest-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook\/dp\/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The House of Love \u200cand Death<\/a>,\u201d \u200breleases on October\u200c 31, 2023, and is now available \u200cfor <a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook\/dp\/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Pre-order<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Follow Klavan on Twitter:\u00a0@andrewklavan<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>This excerpt \u200dis taken from the\u200c opening satirical monologue of \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.dailywire.com\/episode\/ep-1146-how-to-outsmart-stupid\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Andrew Klavan Show.<\/a>\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>The views expressed\u200c in this satirical article are those of the author and do not\u200c necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>After the Republican debate, let&#8217;s assess the upcoming election. We mournfully reflect on the Book of Revelation, tearing soggy pages. The debate featured the Dull Guy and his equally uninteresting counterparts.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":641,"featured_media":2019861,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mo_disable_npp":"","fifu_image_url":"https:\/\/cndimages.nyc3.digitaloceanspaces.com\/breaking-news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_2758-scaled-1.jpg","fifu_image_alt":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[541],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2019860","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-the-daily-wire"],"fifu_image_url":"https:\/\/cndimages.nyc3.digitaloceanspaces.com\/breaking-news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_2758-scaled-1.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2019860","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/641"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2019860"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2019860\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2019861"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2019860"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2019860"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2019860"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}