{"id":1980070,"date":"2023-07-21T22:04:02","date_gmt":"2023-07-22T02:04:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/merrick-scarface-garland-announces-results-of-secret-service-investigation\/"},"modified":"2023-07-21T22:06:07","modified_gmt":"2023-07-22T02:06:07","slug":"merrick-scarface-garland-announces-results-of-secret-service-investigation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/merrick-scarface-garland-announces-results-of-secret-service-investigation\/","title":{"rendered":"Garland reveals findings of Secret Service probe."},"content":{"rendered":"<aside class=\"mashsb-container mashsb-main mashsb-stretched\"><div class=\"mashsb-box\"><div class=\"mashsb-count mash-medium\" style=\"float:left\"><div class=\"counts mashsbcount\">14<\/div><span class=\"mashsb-sharetext\">SHARES<\/span><\/div><div class=\"mashsb-buttons\"><a class=\"mashicon-facebook mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.conservativenewsdaily.net%2Fbreaking-news%2Fmerrick-scarface-garland-announces-results-of-secret-service-investigation%2F\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Facebook<\/span><\/a><a class=\"mashicon-twitter mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?text=&amp;url=https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/?p=1980070&amp;via=ConservNewsDly\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Twitter<\/span><\/a><a class=\"mashicon-subscribe mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"#\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Subscribe<\/span><\/a><div class=\"onoffswitch2 mash-medium mashsb-noshadow\" style=\"display:none\"><\/div><\/div>\n            <\/div>\n                <div style=\"clear:both\"><\/div><\/aside>\n            <!-- Share buttons by mashshare.net - Version: 4.0.47--><h2>Secret Service Investigation: The Mysterious Case of \u200dHunter Biden&#8217;s Cocaine<\/h2>\n<p>After an eleven-day investigation, the Secret Service says it cannot determine who owned Hunter\u2064 Biden\u2019s cocaine. The cocaine \u2064was found\u2063 in the White House lodged in the butt crack of a prostitute who came to light when agents lifted Hunter \u200bBiden\u2019s unconscious body off her in order to carry him to \u200dbed. The Secret \u200dService says\u200d the discovery was made in a \u200drestricted area of the White House officially called the \u201cGame \u200cRoom,\u201d but sometimes referred to as \u201cHunter\u2019s Ha-Ha Hole\u201d or the \u201cBig Nostril.\u201d After working through the night, investigators say they are\u200c completely baffled in their attempt to identify the owner of Hunter\u2019s cocaine, but they did confirm the coke\u2062 was of high grade and was very useful \u200cin helping \u2064them work\u200c through the night.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p>Secret Service spokesman Agent Seeno\u2062 Weevil announced the results of the investigation to reporters in between sniggering into his sleeve and bursting into helpless laughter\u200d while slapping\u200d his\u2064 knee and winking broadly at other federal law officials who were also laughing. Agent Weevil said, \u201cIn trying to identify the owner of Hunter Biden\u2019s cocaine,\u2063 the Secret Service worked closely with the investigators at the Department of Justice who tried \u2063to identify the owner of \u2064Hunter Biden\u2019s \u200b<a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/exclusive-dershowitz-british-media-malpractice-in-ghislaine-maxwell-case\/\" title=\"Exclusive -- Dershowitz: British Media Malpractice in Ghislaine Maxwell Case\">ten million dollars<\/a> in bribes. And while our efforts were similarly unsuccessful, I would like to point out that the DOJ had to wait\u200c five years for the statute of \u2062limitations to run out,\u2062 while we were far\u200c more efficient and just\u200b farted around for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/four-fake-trump-stories-the-establishment-media-ran-with-then-retracted\/\" title=\"Four Fake Trump Stories The Establishment Media Ran With, Then Retracted\">eleven days<\/a> then lied.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<h3>A Tradition of Incompetence\u2063 and Corruption<\/h3>\n<p>Agent \u200cWeevil said the Secret Service investigation into \u2063who owned Hunter Biden\u2019s cocaine demonstrated competence in the oldest tradition of\u200b the service, which was created to\u200c protect the President \u2064of the United States by Abraham Lincoln on April 14th,\u200d 1865, the day before Lincoln was assassinated. Altogether, six of\u2063 thirty-one presidents\u200d have been shot on the Secret Service\u2019s watch,\u200d which is a success \u2062rate of around 80 percent, not bad if you don\u2019t mind losing twenty percent of your\u2062 presidents. \u200cAgent Weevil added, however, that those previous \u200cfailures were due to rank incompetence whereas the\u200d current failure was merely the result of corruption reaching to the highest levels of American government.<\/p>\n<p>The failed investigation into who owned Hunter Biden\u2019s cocaine was \u2064considered to be \u200bof such great importance that the agent in charge\u2063 woke up the president to inform him of the results. Biden was in an Oval Office meeting with Israeli president Isaac\u2063 Herzog \u2063at the time \u200cand was so startled at being awakened, he sat\u200c up straight in his chair, \u2064shouting, \u201cHoly Crap, I\u2019m surrounded by \u2062Jews.\u201d After \u2064the\u2063 president was reassured that President Herzog would not kill him and\u2063 use his blood to make\u200d matzoh, President Biden laughed and said he always knew Congresswoman Jayapal had just\u200c made that story up to frighten him. Biden then apologized for falling\u200b asleep in the meeting but said he had been finding it difficult to stay awake ever since his son had lost his stash of cocaine \u200cin a prostitute\u2019s \u200dbutt-crack\u200c down in his Ha-Ha Hole.<\/p>\n<h3>Indicting Trump and Republican Primary Voters&#8217; Anger<\/h3>\n<p>Attorney General Merrick \u2064\u201cScarface,\u201d Garland remarked on the investigation in a statement \u200bwritten into the wall of a Chicago garage with bullets from a Tommy Gun. The statement said, \u201cEven\u200d though federal investigators \u2063have failed to discover who owned Hunter Biden\u2019s cocaine,\u2064 I want to reassure the public that rank corruption at the highest levels\u200b of American government will not be\u2063 tolerated by those of us at the\u2063 highest levels of American government. No one is above the law, which is why we\u2019ll be indicting Donald Trump for the seventeenth time later this week as soon as we can invent another <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/merrick-scarface-garland-announces-results-of-secret-service-investigation\/\" title=\"Garland reveals findings of Secret Service probe.\">barely plausible-sounding crime<\/a>\u2062 to charge him with.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Republican Primary Voters reacted angrily to news of the new Trump indictment. Mr. Angry McAngryFace, the Chairman of the \u2064Angry Association of Angry Republican Voters So Angry They\u2019re Willing to Lose\u200b Every Election Just to Express Their Anger \u2014 the\u200d AAARVSATWLEEJTETA \u2014 stated his objections by screaming at his television set so \u2064loudly that a blood vessel in \u200dhis neck swelled \u2064to\u2063 the size of a gas pipeline and was then denied \u2062a permit by the Biden administration. Mr. McAngryFace said,\u2063 \u201cCorrupt Democrat officials are unfairly indicting Trump just to make \u200dus \u200dso angry we nominate a presidential candidate who can\u2019t possibly win the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/impossible-gop-picked-up-seats-in-house-picked-up-state-legislatures-picked-up-governorship-held-the-senate-but-sniffy-joe-won-not-a-chance\/\" title=\"IMPOSSIBLE: GOP Picked Up Seats in House, Picked Up State Legislatures, Picked Up Governorship, Held the Senate -- But Sniffy Joe Won?... NOT A CHANCE\">general election<\/a>, and we plan to get to work on that right away.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><em>Andrew Klavan is \u200dthe host of \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.dailywire.com\/show\/the-andrew-klavan-show\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Andrew Klavan Show<\/a>\u201d at\u2063 The Daily Wire. He is an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/parents-should-oppose-critical-race-theory-to-save-our-kids-from-left-wing-indoctrination-ag-paxton\/\" title=\"Parents Should Oppose Critical Race Theory to \u2018Save Our Kids\u2019 from Left-Wing Indoctrination: AG Paxton\">award-winning novelist<\/a>, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is\u00a0the author of \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/When-Christmas-Comes-Andrew-Klavan\/dp\/1613162405\/ref=pd_bxgy_sccl_2\/132-9473875-2662038?pd_rd_w=x29DZ&#038;content-id=amzn1.sym.26a5c67f-1a30-486b-bb90-b523ad38d5a0&#038;pf_rd_p=26a5c67f-1a30-486b-bb90-b523ad38d5a0&#038;pf_rd_r=X7J7YCZYPAH29407AXTY&#038;pd_rd_wg=M65Ef&#038;pd_rd_r=c2bb5bb5-dd27-434d-9ca1-f2098f486a81&#038;pd_rd_i=1613162405&#038;psc=1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">When Christmas Comes<\/a>\u201d and \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries\/dp\/1613163517\/ref=pd_bxgy_sccl_1\/132-9473875-2662038?pd_rd_w=lnVGk&#038;content-id=amzn1.sym.26a5c67f-1a30-486b-bb90-b523ad38d5a0&#038;pf_rd_p=26a5c67f-1a30-486b-bb90-b523ad38d5a0&#038;pf_rd_r=13RV0285EXYKN2D57RST&#038;pd_rd_wg=jW34u&#038;pd_rd_r=e0bb3c70-62ea-4448-8be5-a7cf1bba3f5e&#038;pd_rd_i=1613163517&#038;psc=1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Strange Habit of Mind,<\/a>\u201d the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook\/dp\/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The House of Love and Death<\/a>,\u201d releases on October \u200c31, 2023, and is now available for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/House-Death-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries-ebook\/dp\/B0BW1ZTVP9?ref_=ast_author_dp\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Pre-order<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Follow Klavan on Twitter:\u00a0@andrewklavan<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical \u2064monologue of\u2064 \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.dailywire.com\/episode\/ep-1140-they-hate-us-so-so-much-member-exclusive\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Andrew \u2062Klavan Show<\/a>.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>The views expressed in this\u200b satirical article are\u200c those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>After an 11-day probe, the Secret Service concludes it is unable to identify the owner of the cocaine discovered in the White House. The illicit substance was found in a prostitute&#8217;s buttock crevice, revealed when agents lifted an unconscious Hunter Biden to relocate him to a bed. The Secret Service&#8217;s investigation has reached no definitive conclusion.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":641,"featured_media":1980071,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mo_disable_npp":"","fifu_image_url":"https:\/\/cndimages.nyc3.digitaloceanspaces.com\/breaking-news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_2758-scaled-1.jpg","fifu_image_alt":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[541],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1980070","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-the-daily-wire"],"fifu_image_url":"https:\/\/cndimages.nyc3.digitaloceanspaces.com\/breaking-news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_2758-scaled-1.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1980070","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/641"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1980070"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1980070\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1980071"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1980070"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1980070"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1980070"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}