{"id":1920941,"date":"2023-04-28T23:11:01","date_gmt":"2023-04-29T03:11:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/the-battle-for-americas-soul-continues-satan-agrees\/"},"modified":"2023-04-28T23:16:20","modified_gmt":"2023-04-29T03:16:20","slug":"the-battle-for-americas-soul-continues-satan-agrees","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/the-battle-for-americas-soul-continues-satan-agrees\/","title":{"rendered":"The Battle For America\u2019s Soul Continues. Satan Agrees."},"content":{"rendered":"<aside class=\"mashsb-container mashsb-main mashsb-stretched\"><div class=\"mashsb-box\"><div class=\"mashsb-count mash-medium\" style=\"&quot;\"><div class=\"counts mashsbcount\">16<\/div><span class=\"mashsb-sharetext\">SHARES<\/span><\/div><div class=\"mashsb-buttons\"><a class=\"mashicon-facebook mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.conservativenewsdaily.net%2Fbreaking-news%2Fthe-battle-for-americas-soul-continues-satan-agrees%2F\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Facebook<\/span><\/a><a class=\"mashicon-twitter mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?text=&amp;url=https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/?p=1920941&amp;via=ConservNewsDly\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Twitter<\/span><\/a><a class=\"mashicon-subscribe mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"#\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Subscribe<\/span><\/a><div class=\"onoffswitch2 mash-medium mashsb-noshadow\" style=\"display:none\"><\/div><\/div>\n            <\/div>\n                <div style=\"clear:both\"><\/div><\/aside>\n            <!-- Share buttons by mashshare.net - Version: 4.0.47--><h2>President Biden Announces Re-Election Campaign<\/h2>\n<p><em>The following is the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/as-russia-tries-to-conquer-ukraine-deviants-try-to-conquer-everybody\/\" title=\"As Russia Tries To Conquer Ukraine, Deviants Try To Conquer Everybody\">opening satirical monologue<\/a> from \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.dailywire.com\/episode\/ep-1128-agent-smith-goes-to-washington\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">The Andrew Klavan Show<\/a>.\u201c<\/em><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden this week announced he was running for re-election, a declaration that sent a shiver of excitement through the small section on the lower right side of his face that hasn\u2019t yet decayed into complete immobility.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">As all across this nation, thousands stood and cheered for the new baseball pitch clock which has really been a big improvement to the game, though the extra inning rules are kind of stupid, and what\u2019s with those big bases like everyone\u2019s in kindergarten or something, Biden made his announcement in a White House storage closet he had wandered into while looking for the restroom where he goes to feel safe.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3>Biden&#8217;s Campaign Video<\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">In a campaign video released so that the president would not have to speak long enough to lose his train of thought, images were shown of a flag being raised and the sun rising over peaceful small towns and alabaster cities and amber fields of grain so that several citizens immediately ran out and voted for Bud Light, because it\u2019s hard to tell one pandering pseudo-patriotic video from another, and if you\u2019re going to vote for someone who believes in cutting children\u2019s penises off, at least you ought to get some crappy beer.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">The announcer on the video says: \u201cAs the sun rises, we raise the flag because freedom and democracy and rainbows and cute little panda bears and other hollow words we hope will make you like us. But in today\u2019s America, rainbows are under attack by an extreme panda-hating movement that seeks to ban books with pictures of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/the-battle-for-americas-soul-continues-satan-agrees\/\" title=\"The Battle For America\u2019s Soul Continues. Satan Agrees.\">naked men committing sodomy<\/a> just because the books happen to be in an elementary school. These frowny-faced scary MAGA hat-niks want to take away the right to tear unborn babies limb from limb, a right which the Constitution guarantees to every woman even if he\u2019s a man and only pretending to have a period because living in reality is hard and the gas there is so darn expensive. Joe Biden has made defending these make-believe freedoms the goal of his presidency, because obviously if the goal of his presidency was restoring the economy or lowering crime or winning wars he\u2019d be screwed almost as badly as the American people. So if you care about freedom, vote for Joe Biden, or the FBI will raid your house.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<h3>Republicans React to Biden&#8217;s Announcement<\/h3>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">Biden says he will not repeat his previous campaign in which he hid in the cellar to get to the White House, and this time he will campaign from the White House and then hide in the cellar, because that\u2019s where his imaginary friends live.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">Biden\u2019s announcement was immediately followed by a speech by Vice President Kamala Harris who said, \u201cI think it\u2019s very important for us at every moment in time and certainly this one to see the moment in time in which we exist and are present and to be able to contextualize it \u2014 to understand where we exist in the history and in the moment \u2014 as it relates not only to the past but the future.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">Republican leaders say they hope the upcoming election will not distract them from their business of accomplishing nothing and then ranting angrily on Fox News especially now that Tucker Carlson is gone and doing nothing then ranting on Fox News will be like doing nothing twice.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400\">In a secret emergency meeting, Republicans reacted to the president\u2019s announcement with fear and desperation saying, \u201cThis is terrible. We could actually beat this google-brained sucker and be forced to take responsibility for governing. President Biden\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/new-poll-finds-newsoms-job-approval-ratings-plunge-amid-looming-recall\/\" title=\"New Poll Finds Newsom\u2019s Job Approval Ratings Plunge Amid Looming Recall\">job approval rating<\/a> is at forty-one, and that\u2019s people not percentage points. Where, oh where, will we ever find a candidate so divisive, chaotic, and ill-mannered that he can alienate enough of the independent voters so we can somehow manage to lose this election? We must search high and low for the one man in America who could even possibly get fewer votes than a nasty, corrupt, superannuated pol who barely knows where he is let alone how to pretend to run the country while unseen leftist radicals trash its founding principles from within. Wherever can he be, that hero who will save us from victory? Is he to the west, to the east? The north? The south? Help us find him, fellow Republicans. You\u2019re our only hope.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.dailywire.com\/show\/the-andrew-klavan-show\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Andrew Klavan<\/a>\u00a0is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire.\u00a0A <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/allow-me-to-explain-the-leftist-doctrine-of-intersectionalism\/\" title=\"Allow Me To Explain The Leftist Doctrine Of Intersectionalism\">popular political satirist<\/a> and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/parents-should-oppose-critical-race-theory-to-save-our-kids-from-left-wing-indoctrination-ag-paxton\/\" title=\"Parents Should Oppose Critical Race Theory to \u2018Save Our Kids\u2019 from Left-Wing Indoctrination: AG Paxton\">award-winning novelist<\/a>.\u00a0His newest novel is\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries\/dp\/1613163517\/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&#038;qid=&#038;sr=\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">A Strange Habit of Mind<\/a>, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The following is the opening satirical monologue from \u201cThe Andrew Klavan Show.\u201c President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden this week announced he was running for re-election, a declaration that sent a shiver of excitement through the small section on the lower right side of his face that hasn\u2019t yet decayed into complete immobility. As all<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":641,"featured_media":1920942,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mo_disable_npp":"","fifu_image_url":"https:\/\/cndimages.nyc3.digitaloceanspaces.com\/breaking-news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_2758-scaled-1.jpg","fifu_image_alt":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[541],"tags":[7174,7378,6731,7046,17746,18098],"class_list":["post-1920941","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-the-daily-wire","tag-agrees","tag-americas","tag-battle","tag-continues","tag-satan","tag-soul"],"fifu_image_url":"https:\/\/cndimages.nyc3.digitaloceanspaces.com\/breaking-news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_2758-scaled-1.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1920941","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/641"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1920941"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1920941\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1920942"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1920941"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1920941"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1920941"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}