{"id":1744458,"date":"2022-11-18T20:33:37","date_gmt":"2022-11-19T01:33:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/?p=1744458"},"modified":"2022-11-18T20:33:41","modified_gmt":"2022-11-19T01:33:41","slug":"when-joey-met-xi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/when-joey-met-xi\/","title":{"rendered":"When Joey Met Xi"},"content":{"rendered":"<aside class=\"mashsb-container mashsb-main mashsb-stretched\"><div class=\"mashsb-box\"><div class=\"mashsb-count mash-medium\" style=\"&quot;\"><div class=\"counts mashsbcount\">8<\/div><span class=\"mashsb-sharetext\">SHARES<\/span><\/div><div class=\"mashsb-buttons\"><a class=\"mashicon-facebook mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.conservativenewsdaily.net%2Fbreaking-news%2Fwhen-joey-met-xi%2F\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Facebook<\/span><\/a><a class=\"mashicon-twitter mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?text=&amp;url=https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/?p=1744458&amp;via=ConservNewsDly\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Twitter<\/span><\/a><a class=\"mashicon-subscribe mash-medium mash-nomargin mashsb-noshadow\" href=\"#\" target=\"_top\" rel=\"nofollow\"><span class=\"icon\"><\/span><span class=\"text\">Subscribe<\/span><\/a><div class=\"onoffswitch2 mash-medium mashsb-noshadow\" style=\"display:none\"><\/div><\/div>\n            <\/div>\n                <div style=\"clear:both\"><\/div><\/aside>\n            <!-- Share buttons by mashshare.net - Version: 4.0.47--><p><em>The following is the opening satirical monologue from \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.dailywire.com\/episode\/ep-1106-make-america-hilarious-again\">The Andrew Klavan Show<\/a>.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>President and venal houseplant Joe Biden met with make-believe-president-but-really-murderous-dictator Xi Jinping this week in an effort to improve relations between China and the part of China that used to be the United States.<\/p>\n<p>Before the meeting, Houseplant Biden told reporters he planned to ask Dictator Xi some hard questions, like, \u201cWhat is the capital of Indonesia?\u201d and \u201cHow do you get the fortune inside the cookie without breaking the cookie? Or do you roll the fortune into the raw dough? But then why doesn\u2019t the fortune catch fire when you cook the dough? And is it really a fortune if it doesn\u2019t tell the future? And if it does tell the future, how do Chinese people know what the future is?\u201d Also, \u201cWhat does moo goo gai pan mean?\u201d Biden said if Xi could answer any four of these questions correctly, he would win the Risk home game, so he could play at taking over the world as a relaxing break from taking over the world.<\/p>\n<p>President Xi said he would be asking tough questions of President Biden as well, like \u201cWhat\u2019s that behind you?\u201d Then, when Biden turned around to look, he would steal his watch.<\/p>\n<p>The meeting between Xi and Biden lasted three hours, although that included Biden\u2019s two hour nap, during which Xi had a listening device surgically implanted in one of the president\u2019s liver spots so he could record Biden\u2019s conversations in the Oval Office, and play the results on Chinese TV as a hilarious situation comedy entitled, \u201cTsi Tai Pao,\u201d which roughly translates as \u201csilly old man says meaningless things to administration underlings who nod with serious looks on their faces and then run the country however they want while media lickspittles pretend everything\u2019s fine, after which the price of gas goes up another dollar.\u201d The show will be aired Tuesdays at 8PM, followed by old reruns of \u201cThree\u2019s Company,\u201d or as it\u2019s called in Chinese, Tsi Tai Pao.<\/p>\n<p>After the meeting, President Biden strode confidently from the conference room into a broom closet where he addressed a collection of mops he mistook for American journalists, until they reported the story accurately whereupon he realized they must\u2019ve been somebody else.<\/p>\n<p>Biden said [quote] \u201cYou know, it\u2019s only when you look in a man\u2019s eyes and speak to him directly that you can start to understand his point of view. For instance, I always thought torturing Uighurs was a bad thing, but now that I\u2019ve had a chance to discuss it with President Xi, the next time I meet a Uighur, well, watch out. I also had a chance to ask the president for assurances that he would not invade Taiwan, and he guaranteed me he would no more invade Taiwan than he would implant a listening device in one of my liver spots. Plus he says he\u2019ll continue to send TikTok to America to convince gullible young girls to cut off their breasts and confused boys to have themselves castrated \u2014 so we\u2019re both on the same page there. All in all, I was glad to extend the hand of friendship to President Xi though I do wonder what the hell happened to my watch.\u201d [unquote]\n<p>Meanwhile, as the Secret Service debated whether to get President Biden out of the broom closet or just leave him there where he\u2019d be safe, President-Not-to-Mention-Murderous-Dictator-for-Life Xi addressed a group of American journalists whom he mistook for mops, until they swabbed the floor with soapy water and then squeezed the dirt out into a bucket, whereupon he realized they were actually American journalists.<\/p>\n<p>Xi said, [quote] \u201cIt was a great honor to sit down for a talk with your blithering idiot. Future Vassal Biden had many things to say and I look forward to having them translated into English so I can understand them. Clearly, you have wisely elected a man we Chinese can work with, given that our work is to destroy your economy, enslave your people, and invade your Chinese restaurants so we can find out what the hell Moo Goo Gai Pan is. I was also pleased to be able to present the President with the most sacred symbol of Chinese friendship, a highly communicable respiratory infection. We all very much look forward to hearing more from President Biden Tuesdays at 8PM, followed by reruns of \u2018Three\u2019s Company.\u2019\u201d [unquote]\n<p>Xi said he hoped the leaders could build on the progress of this first meeting, and then meet next time on Chinese soil, assuming Biden can find his way to Taiwan.<\/p>\n<p><em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.dailywire.com\/show\/the-andrew-klavan-show\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" data-saferedirecturl=\"https:\/\/www.google.com\/url?q=https:\/\/www.dailywire.com\/show\/the-andrew-klavan-show&#038;source=gmail&#038;ust=1663776358757000&#038;usg=AOvVaw2lHm_ZdswXr4ZRFDBRYWtn\">Andrew Klavan<\/a>\u00a0Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today:\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries\/dp\/1613163517\/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&#038;qid=&#038;sr=\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" data-saferedirecturl=\"https:\/\/www.google.com\/url?q=https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Strange-Habit-Mind-Cameron-Mysteries\/dp\/1613163517\/ref%3Dtmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding%3DUTF8%26qid%3D%26sr%3D&#038;source=gmail&#038;ust=1663776358757000&#038;usg=AOvVaw2A-PHu0ZqsrknbrIeJJFOp\">A Strange Habit of Mind<\/a>, book two in the Cameron Winter<\/p>\n<p><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The following is the opening satirical monologue from \u201cThe Andrew Klavan Show.\u201d President and venal houseplant Joe Biden met with make-believe-president-but-really-murderous-dictator Xi Jinping this week in an effort to improve relations between China and the part of China that used to be the United States. Before the meeting, Houseplant Biden told reporters he planned to &#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":641,"featured_media":1744461,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mo_disable_npp":"","fifu_image_url":"https:\/\/cndimages.nyc3.digitaloceanspaces.com\/breaking-news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_2758-scaled-1.jpg","fifu_image_alt":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[541],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1744458","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-the-daily-wire"],"fifu_image_url":"https:\/\/cndimages.nyc3.digitaloceanspaces.com\/breaking-news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_2758-scaled-1.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1744458","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/641"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1744458"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1744458\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1744461"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1744458"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1744458"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.conservativenewsdaily.net\/breaking-news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1744458"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}