Martha’s Vineyard Residents Celebrate Their Bravery After Achieving 100% Deportation Rate

On Saturday, trauma centers on Martha’s Vineyard were open for business. Not since the great mosquito invasion of 2011 has the “Vineyard” suffered like it suffered this week. Fifty Venezuelan immigrants landed in Martha’s backyard, and residents were scrambling to find locksmiths. When the Obamas’ helicopter lands on their 20-thousand-foot, perfectly manicured lawn, the demographics of Martha’s Island statistically change, so one can imagine how an island whiter than a pack of polar bears reacted to the great Venezuelan invasion of 2022. Well, we actually know.

After the initial shock of having 50 Spanish speakers that weren’t there to clean their 100,000 vacant rentals and hotel rooms, the Vineyarders rallied to feed the hungry and clothe the naked. We know, because they put it all on social media. Someone with an eye for utility and messaging gave one of the immigrants an RGB (Ruth Bader Ginsberg) T-shirt. The island’s unwanted party-crashers were fed lovely meals prepared by the island’s 5-star chefs. Actually, no. They were fed a breakfast of Pop-Tarts, Rice Crispies and Fruit Loops.

The 50 are gone now — like tears in rain. The 9 a.m. “check-out” was strictly enforced. All of the island’s guest were bused to the airport after getting their fill of Fruit Loops. They boarded a military transport and winged off to Cape Cod. The islanders waved goodbye from their verandas and as the Air National Guard plane disappeared, they hugged each other and celebrated their humanitarianism–by counting the silverware and breaking out several bottles of Justin Cabernet Sauvignon, which was perfectly chilled.

Islander “Karen” has decided to advertise her bravery and assuage her trauma by getting her first tattoo. It will read “I bought an immigrant Fruit Loops, 9.15.22”. If only she can get past the pain of the stencil.

Of course, she can. She survived this week.