Here’s Why The Panicked Left Needs More Of Your Money To Combat Climate Catastrophes

The following is the satirical opening monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

With Hurricane Ian, a category Holy Crap storm, smashing into Florida, Democrats and other locusts on the amber waves of grain are warning Americans that if useless measures aren’t quickly put in place to do nothing about climate change, we will soon be faced with an emergency situation in which hurricanes continue to strike the Gulf coast as they have done every year in human memory.

According to green experts, climate change has caused these hurricanes and other storms to intensify to exactly the same level they were at before, while there are now far more climate catastrophes reported than there were before climate catastrophes were reported. As a result, whereas in the 1920’s, nearly half a million people were killed in climate-related disasters, last year that number rose dramatically to 7,000 people. Now, of course, you might say that mathematically that’s a 99% percent drop in climate-related deaths over the last hundred years. But that’s where you would be wrong. Or right. One of those.

On CNN, soon-to-be former prime-time host Don Lemon tried to explain the danger to his audience, before his audience had to leave the airport lounge to catch his connection to Denver. Lemon said, “I grew up in Florida and I’m making my very serious face so I can say with complete certainty that these storms are getting worse. In fact, I can pretty much say any garbage I want to with complete certainty since no one’s listening anymore anyway. I’m not even sure these cameras are still on. Why would they be?” Lemon then wept quietly until he was carried off the set to make room for his replacement, a life-size cardboard cutout of Brian Stelter, who was, in turn, replaced by one of those battery-operated monkeys that play the cymbals, and will host CNN’s latest show, Reliable Battery Operated Toys.

As the hurricane approached the coast, climate activist Al Gore delivered an impassioned speech to the hotel masseuse he was chasing around the room. Gore said, “We must follow the science through a cartoon forest of the imagination into a gleaming city of make believe. Because if we fail to act soon, my most dire predictions will come true and the world will be destroyed ten years ago. Now come to papa, you little minx, and give me my special massage.”

President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden, speaking to a collection of mops in the broom closet he accidentally walked into, said, “My Inflation Reduction Act will make hurricanes a thing of the past as well as the present and future. And while the Inflation Reduction Act will do nothing to reduce inflation, it will spend 369 billion dollars on programs that will bring temperatures down by statistically zero sometime in the 22nd century. We must funnel those huge subsidies to my cronies running green energy scams and we must do it quickly before I forget what I was talking about. Why, look at you. Aren’t you a pretty little girl? Oh wait, no, you’re a mop. Sorry. But if you don’t mind, I’d still like to sniff your hair.”

Spergie colonialist fat boy Bill Gates also responded to the hurricane in a speech to a large gathering of the Society of Men who Haven’t Been Prosecuted for what They Did With Jeffrey Epstein’s Underage Women — or the SMHBPTDJEU, a 501C3 charitable organization that raises money for bribes and assassinations. Gates said, “We must act on climate change at once because my private jet is parked outside with the engines running and I’ve got to get home in time to transfer a billion dollars in stock to my foundation so I don’t have to pay any taxes. So, like, follow the science or something and I’ll see you later.”

The calls to follow the science multiplied after the hurricane winds grew so strong they blew Dorothy’s house from Kansas to the fictional land of OZ, or possibly the World Economic Forum, where she was surrounded by drunken dwarves in ridiculous costumes — or possibly the World Economic Forum — who danced around her in circles singing in high pitched voices, “Follow, follow, follow, follow the science… we hear it is a wiz of a wiz because of the wonderful things it does. Ba-deep-a-dee-deep-a-dee-deep.”

And after all, if you can’t trust imaginary drunken dwarves, sex criminals and old men with dementia, then you can’t trust climate change activists at all.

Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily