Here Are 13 Signs That You Are Unlucky Or Just A Schmuck

Feeling unlucky? 

It’s Friday the 13th, a relatively rare date on the calendar that the superstitious regard in the same way they might a black cat crossing their path, breaking a mirror, or being associated with the Democratic Party. There’s only one of these fearful Friday’s this year, and for the super superstitious that’s one too many. (There are three next year. Ouch!)

Let’s face it, paraskevidekatriaphobia — the fear of Friday the 13th — is real, if mostly unfounded. Although, if you’ve watched the movies you know Jason only does his murdering on Friday the 13th. And Lord knows some of the most horrific TV programming has occurred on Fridays with ABC’s TGIF lineup. Steve Urkel and a clean Bob Saget were as horrifying as anything a hockey mask-wearing psychopath could dish out. 

There are those who believe that if it wasn’t for bad luck, they’d have no luck at all. And plenty of politicians and celebrities have pushed their luck with the American people.  

On this Friday the 13th, Here are the top 13 signs that you’re either unlucky or just a schmuck.

1. You get “forcibly” — and righteously — removed from a Department of Homeland Security press conference while pulling a political stunt and acting like an idiot. 

2. You’re the commander-in-chief of the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps out for a pleasant stroll down the street to check out your sweet enriched uranium facility (for “peaceful” purposes, of course), when suddenly you look up to see a large, fast-flying metal object above you with the message, “How Jew You Like Me Now?”  

3. You are governed by Gavin Newsom and Karen Bass.

4. You get deported after the Mexican flag you wave at the anti-ICE riot lets immigration enforcement officials know exactly where to send you. 

5. You own an Apple or Adidas store in any “Sanctuary City.” Looters often bring seven years of bad luck. 

6. You decide to make an illegal immigrant and accused human smuggler of gang members and children the face of your political party. 

7. You are a legendary female gymnast who just attacked a top former collegiate female swimmer who lost to dudes for not “uplifting the trans community.” Then you offer a half-hearted apology and step away from the fight because you’re kind of good at quitting, too. 

8. You’re a sham journalist who has written a tell-all book about perhaps the greatest cover-up in U.S. presidential history but you refuse to tell all under oath to a congressional committee. 

9. You are the Pride Month Delegation to Gaza, featuring the LGBT Queer Choir. 

10. You are Joe Biden’s former White House physician who has repeatedly declared the former president “fit for duty.” You also apparently went to the Dr. Nick Riviera School of Medicine. 

11. You said, “I do,” to Maxine Waters. 

12. You run a taxpayer-subsidized corporation funding leftist public TV and radio networks that openly despise conservative Americans and provide public relations for the Democratic Party.  

13. You agree to run Kamala Harris’ 2028 presidential campaign, and pick up her wine tab. 

Matt Kittle is a senior elections correspondent for The Federalist. An award-winning investigative reporter and 30-year veteran of print, broadcast, and online journalism, Kittle previously served as the executive director of Empower Wisconsin.