Don’t Wait Until Valentine’s Day To Romance Your Spouse
This piece argues that Valentine’s Day can hold enduring meaning for married couples, tracing its lore from claudius II’s ban on marriages to St. Valentine’s secret ceremonies. It shares a personal approach: celebrate the holiday’s spirit daily rather than conforming to crowded, costly traditions. Rather than relying on flowers or jewelry, the author and her husband craft handmade cards and notes filled with affection and inside jokes, and they suggest marking anniversaries with meaningful gifts or experiences that recall shared memories.
The article also introduces the idea of Sweetheart’s Day—an informal, calendar-linked custom of exchanging thoughtful gestures and planning special moments beyond any fixed date.It encourages couples to celebrate their covenant creatively, even if one partner doesn’t view themselves as artistic. Regular intimate practices like reading together,especially reading aloud,and cuddling are highlighted as ways to deepen connection,with readings and cuddling cited as boosting sleep,mood,and positive emotions. The overall message is to be considerate, imaginative, and grateful for one another year-round, not just on february 14. Beth Herman, the author, is noted as a visiting fellow and writer.
Valentine’s Day may feel tailor-made for dating singles, but its relevance for married couples reaches far back into history. As the legend goes, Emperor Claudius II banned marriages in Rome circa 268-270 A.D., aiming to sequester single men as soldiers in his army. The priest St. Valentine, however, secretly performed marriages for young Christians, preserving the sacred character of the tradition.
Having been happily married for nearly 39 years, my husband and I have an interesting way of approaching Valentine’s Day. We incorporate the spirit of the holiday in our daily lives but completely disregard the day itself. That may sound contradictory, but after a few years, the charm of going out to dinner on the most crowded, overpriced evening of the year simply fades.
After years of typical Valentine’s Day conventions, the concept of gift-giving begs for a new and original approach. A heavy dose of imagination, combined with tools such as cardstock, stickers, and colored markers, can replace flowers, trinkets, or sweets packaged in fancy boxes. Homemade missives, complete with pronouncements of affection or inside jokes, can be just as satisfying as mass-produced cards or forced bloom roses — if not much more so!
So rather than angling for a piece of jewelry or a bouquet on Valentine’s Day, why not choose a special gift for your next anniversary? Perhaps a necklace, a pair of earrings, or a piece of art to mark the moment and celebrate the day you tied the knot? “Remember our 10th anniversary?” you can recall years later. “We spent the weekend in _____ and bought that beautiful silver coffee pot we discovered in the tiny antique shop.”
Or romance your spouse any time, for no reason at all. Receiving flowers after a tough week or getting a handmade card on a random Tuesday can be more delightful than getting a gift on the day our culture says you’re supposed to.
Sometime in the first 10 years of our marriage, we came up with the idea of Sweetheart’s Day. It was more of an abstract concept, not tied to an actual date on the calendar. We just picked a day or week sometime in the future and planned to make cards for one another and go out to dinner. Eventually, the concept of Sweetheart’s Day expanded when we realized it was fun to practice little acts of kindness and creativity around the calendar.
Married couples, give yourselves permission to celebrate your covenant beyond society’s conventions. This Valentine’s Day, embrace your creative side. Make your own cards or leave little notes for one another. Store-bought gifts are OK, but it’s touching when your loved one puts the time and energy into writing a poem or song or drawing or collaging a card — especially if they don’t consider themselves particularly artistic.
On a more regular basis, practice and appreciate quiet moments of intimacy. Reading together is a lovely way to enjoy one another’s company without speaking. And reading aloud to one another is incredibly relaxing. Aim to spend approximately 40 minutes at a time working your way through a book, or read aloud your favorite passages.
Reading aloud has long been proven beneficial for children, especially at bedtime. But the activity among adults, especially partners, appears to be gaining traction. A 2024 article in The Guardian reported that adults who read aloud to each other said they experienced “better sleep, improved mental health and a happy feeling about the other person.”
Last but certainly not least, snuggle or cuddle regularly. Make time for it amid the busy schedules, the kids and parents who need care, and the million other things demanding your attention. As Psychology Today reports:
Cuddling releases oxytocin and promotes positive emotions. It’s no surprise that affectionate touch behaviors release oxytocin, fondly known as the “cuddle hormone.” Oxytocin is a natural love hormone that helps us feel closer to our partners. When we cuddle, we feel a surge of positive emotions such as love, adoration, and trust.
How best to celebrate Valentine’s Day as a married couple? Be considerate, be creative, and be grateful for one another — on Feb. 14 and all through the year.
Beth Herman is a visiting fellow at Independent Women’s Education Freedom Center. She is a school docent at The National Gallery of Art. In addition to The Federalist, her essays have been published in The Wall Street Journal, Legal Times, The Washington Times, and on NPR.
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