Canadian National Hockey Team To Be Euthanized For Being ‘Sad’

Following reports of being “sad” after their massive Olympic loss to the United States of America, the entire Canadian national hockey team is set to be euthanized, according to a joint statement from the country’s Ministry of Suicide and Ministry of Hockey.

“Hey, look, I’m sorry, but, a loss like this is tough to handle, guy,” Hockey Minister François-Philippe LeBlanc said. “It’s our national sport and, boy, when a Canadian loses, a Canadian gets sad, and when a Canadian gets sad, well, it’s just too much to handle sometimes.”

The euthanasia will be administered through the country’s Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) program, which has become the country’s fifth leading cause of death as of 2024, slaughtering thousands every year. The hockey team will be yet another test case in Canada murdering its own people, even without terminal illness, as they recently did to a 26-year-old claiming “seasonal depression.”

“Its a great way to showcase to the world that when we Canadians say we’re going to kill ourselves, there is swift and decisive government action that will make that happen,” Suicide Minister Krishna Gupta Narayanaswamysingh added. “We realize the eyes of the international community are on us in this moment, and we mean to deliver, buddy.”

Despite inquiry from some on the team, other forms of care were denied, with Narayanaswamysingh saying the mass suicide was a “matter of national security.”

After kissing the feet of “first nations” representatives and third-world migrants, the hockey team will be led into the euthanasia chamber where they will have approximately five minutes to wallow and blubber on a fainting couch, Olympic teddy bear in hand, before the lethal injection is administered.

They will be given maple syrup popsicles and bags of milk as their last meals.

As Ricky Bobby would say, “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” And that is particularly true here, where at least the bronze medalists, Finland, had to win to get their medal. Bronze and gold are the only winners on the podium, making the Canadian team cry even more.

To add insult to injury, the Canadian team flew back to North America by way of Miami, Florida, where the American team spent a night partying and singing the American National Anthem before coming to Washington, D.C., to attend President Donald Trump’s State of the Union Address.

Canada’s Ministry of Suicide, however, has announced an expansion of the national suicide program to all Canadian citizens (so long as they are white), who need only cite “prolonged hockey sadness” that reaches at least 30 minutes in duration, before being eligible for euthanasia. The Ministry of Suicide has also launched a pilot program for a “day of national suicide” every four years, pending the results of Olympic hockey.

The Canadian team lost 2-1 in overtime after American patriot Jack Hughes scored the Golden Goal and Secretary of Defense Connor Hellebuyck fended off a barrage of shots on goal from the Canadians. The Team USA win was the first time in 46 years the Americans have defeated their foremost communist rivals, after defeating the Soviet Union in the Miracle on Ice in 1980.