A Comprehensive Guide to the Various Apartheids Plaguing America, From ‘Aquatic’ to ‘Zoological’
Last week, in a decision that will almost certainly be reversed, the International Swimming Federation banned the use of an extra-large swimming cap designed specifically for “people with thick, curly, and voluminous hair.”
Washington Post columnist Karen Attiah condemned the ban, which is under review, as an example of “aquatic apartheid” that underscored the importance of critical race theory. “My natural hair (or braids) does NOT fit easily into those normal swim caps,” Attiah wrote. “The International Swimming Federation needs to get out of here with their aquatic apartheid!”
Attiah, who holds degrees from Northwestern and Columbia, is perhaps best known for suggesting that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D., Calif.), New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, and former president Donald Trump constituted an “axis of shevil” responsible for enabling white supremacists.
In the interest of educating our readers, the Washington Free Beacon has compiled the following comprehensive guide to various forms of “apartheid” plaguing the nation. Enjoy!
Aquatic apartheid
See above.
Balsamic apartheid
CNN apartheid
Diplomatic apartheid
Every single secretary of state has been white, except for the two appointed by former president George W. Bush (Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice).
Environmental apartheid
See: The overwhelmingly white membership of the House and Senate Climate Solutions Caucus.
Field goal apartheid
The NFL isn’t as woke as it claims to be.
Geographic apartheid
Holistic apartheid
See: The American Holistic Health Association board of directors.
Insane Clown apartheid
Both members of the iconic Insane Clown Posse duo (Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope) are white.
Japanese apartheid
Ethnic Japanese account for nearly 98 percent of Japan’s population. [Insert cringe face emoji.]
Keyboard apartheid
Lego apartheid
Masturbatory apartheid
CNN could have promoted a person of color to replace Jeffrey Toobin after the network’s chief legal analyst pleasured himself during an employee Zoom call. The network refused.
Neapolitan apartheid
Octogenarian apartheid
The top three members of House Democratic leadership are at least 80 years old.
Pod Save apartheid
Quilted apartheid
American Quilter magazine deserves to be called out for its painfully white masthead.
Rhode Island apartheid
See: Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse’s (D., R.I.) all-white senior staff.
San Francisco apartheid
Track and field apartheid
Ukelele apartheid
Vox dot apartheid
Windsor apartheid
Xenon apartheid
The so-called noble gas was discovered by a couple of white dudes.
Yellow submarine apartheid
Zoological apartheid
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